Filed under: Shoe Month | Tags: adrenalin, exercise, gym, shoes, strenuous, workout
Today I went back to the gym (see my gym shoes?) I have not been to the gym for six weeks because of [insert excuse here]. Go ahead, insert one. I guarantee I’ve already thought of it and used if on my gym instructor, my friends, myself. The truth is, I hate exercise. All exercise for the sake of exercise. There. I’ve said it!
You know that adrenalin high that you get after a strenuous workout? Yeah well, I don’t. I think it’s a myth like the G-spot or a cure for male pattern baldness. There’s nothing I like about exercise. I don’t like sweat. I don’t like breathlessness. I don’t like sore muscles. The only high I get after exercise is from gratitude that it’s over. Like if you hit me repeatedly on the head with a stick for 20 minutes, I’d feel quite good when you stopped.
So why do I belong to a gym?
Well, I’m told that I have to exercise in order to remain healthy and live a long life. I dislike my gym slightly less than playing sports or going for a run. Plus my gym has the E Channel and Sky Movies on the cardio machines. Big ups to you Exodus. At least visiting allows me to keep up with the Kardashians.
Today, like all days when I return to the gym, I got a different gym instructor. I assume it’s a different one as he had a different name, but frankly, they all seem the same to me. They are all 20ish, ‘sporty’ and overly confident in their skills with people. They are flustered when I insist that I will not get to like exercise eventually. I’ve been working out, on and off for 25 years, with varying levels of success, and I still don’t like it. Even when I was running marathons, I did not like it. I’m willing to accept that gym instructors may actually enjoy exercise. Why can’t gym instructors accept that I may not?
The proposed solution (sort of)
So here’s what I propose. I’m going to put together a business plan to open a gym for people who exercise because they have to, not because they like it. People who wear their gym shoes and a frown to the gym.
All the instructors will be middle-aged or older, and also exercise because they have to (Madonna-esque Amazonians need not apply). No instructor will ever utter phrases like ‘Feel the burn!’ or ‘Doesn’t that feel great?’ If they do, you are allowed to hit them instead of the punching bag.
You will pay me $20 per week to belong to my gym. When you attend, I will pocket $20 from you. On weeks you don’t attend, I’ll still take $10 to cover overheads, but I will donate the remaining $10 to children with cancer. That way, when you just can’t face the gym, you can feel good about it. It’s a win-win.
So, what do you think? Would you join my gym? Would you stump up seed money? (call me, we’ll talk). Would you be a gym-donor rather than a gym goer?