waterproof, stainproof...
On Friday night I wore these rubber moulded flats to see comedian Danny Bhoy perform.
Danny Bhoy’s schtik is to make fun of his failure to attract women. He claims to have been single for 3… no wait 4… World Cups. This is a lie for comedic effect. The truth is that Danny Bhoy gets laid. A lot. How do I know this? Because Danny Bhoy has at least 3 things going for him that ensure a man gets laid. He is funny, he has a cute Scottish accent and he’s easy on the eye. All the women, and half the men in the audience would have gone home with him on Friday night.
I have a definitive Top 10 list of things that will get a heterosexual male laid. This list is not guaranteed to get you a girlfriend, life companion or wife, but if you’re after a roll in the hay, it should do the trick. The list has been peer reviewed, unscientifically tested and discussed ad infinitum. You will most likely need two or more items working in tandem to get laid.
In no particular order, here’s what you need:
- Be incredibly good looking. Women are just a susceptible as men to a pretty face.
- Be funny. This means people other than your mum and your drunk mates think you’re funny. Your mum and mates would find you hilarious even if you were a turnip.
- Be exotic. This is where the accent comes in. The good news is that American women think the Kiwi accent is adorable, so maybe there’s a trip stateside in your future?
- Be rich and generous with it. I’m pretty sure I’d put out for a man who took me on a date to say… Monte Carlo.
- Be famous. Even moderately famous will do. A fan club, no matter how small, is an aphrodisiac.
- Be romantic. I’m not talking about hearts and flowers here. Just a bit of consideration. Since the demise if chivalry, we women go gaga if a man lends us his jacket when we’re cold, or listens to what we say, asks questions and engages with us on a topic of our choosing. Yes, you might have to talk shoes. You want to get laid or not?
- Be bad. You don’t have to bite the heads off kittens or mug nuns for spare change. But for some reason, a little disregard for authority, social mores or good manners is quite sexy. (However, if you want a second date, being a nice guy is better).
- Be great in bed. News flash. Women talk. If you are a fantastic lay, your conquests will tell their friends. Who will tell their friends. It’s the ultimate in viral marketing.
- Be realistic. Having two or more items on this list probably won’t get Heidi Klum to sleep with you. Heidi already sleeps with Seal, who has most of the list working for him. Consider that maybe the girl doesn’t have to be a fashion model with a degree in astrophysics whose dad owns a brewery.
- Ask. This one is for Kiwi guys. If you want to close the deal, ASK. Even before you are certain that the answer will be yes. It’s worth the risk. Ask for the sale, guys.
That’s it really. The rest is just hygiene factors (like hygiene – cleanliness is next to …heck women just have a thing about dirt). Oh, and apparently it helps if you’re a computer nerd. Off you go. Fly my pretties!